Well unfortunately I have been keeping a stupid battle going that I should have just given over on. Given over to God that is... Sometimes I can have the greatest faith where people just shake their heads in wonder and sometime not so great in areas I need to have that kind of faith in. This is one of those areas. Growing faith is an interesting concept and it takes God and the believer to do it, but mostly the believer. My husband and I have been disagreeing and actually fighting on one particular idea. My calling... He's OK with the fact I have been called by God to teach but he is unhappy about the where. I have been very adamant about getting back into the will of God and just seem to have a strong "focus" on this very thing. It's like I'm "direct line thinking." In horse training this is a bad thing because horses are not direct line thinkers. Anything that comes at them in a straight line has to be a predator and must be out to "eat" them! So in thinking this way maybe it's too strong. Well it came to a boiling point last week. My husband got tired of hearing me whine and cut me to the quick. I probably deserved it anyway but as I was telling him what info I got at the bible study Wed. night he just cut me down.
Then the next morning he claimed to have a "discussion" with God all night about it. So as I talked with him on the phone, he said God told him to release me and let me go. Not divorce or anything but to let me do what I had to do. God's specific directions were, "If she can't wait on me then release her to do what she thinks I need her to do." I would hear this part later cause I asked him about it. Steve (husband) also said God told him how to release me from out under his "spiritual responsibility" (hedge). I had gotten so upset about it that I called one of my good friends and explained it to her. She gave me sound biblical council on what I should do about it. She had said if he was serious about releasing me and writing a letter stating so that I should let him do it! I would still be under the submission of my husband if I did. That floored me! Didn't expect to hear that. She also said I needed to apologize for being rebellious which I can be very much so if I believe he is wrong. That made me feel better. Then came the fun part and I actually got alot out of it. Steve also "decided" to tell me of a vision he had about the "wrong" I would have committed. He said that I would have went back to where I wanted to be without him and would have eventually divorced him. (stupid) Then I would have single-handedly brought that entire ministry to ruin by my "disobedience." The people there would have blamed Steve for it and I would have been "alienated" from everybody. What a pretty picture!! I didn't believe it for some reason and that is the first time I've had a problem with what Steve has said about what God told him. But it was about me and I guess I got defensive about it.
I seemed to be OK with him the rest of the evening but after he left and I went to bed things got real bad. I went into a state of mental anguish and cried myself to sleep. I told God that I wanted to give his gift of teaching back since I couldn't use it. I knew he wouldn't take it back anyway. I was so upset I don't know what come over me but it was an attack and it was trying to get me to give up. I also made a decision to not discuss God with Steve anymore. I just don't feel like getting cut down anymore. Pride and jealousy just suck! I don't know why he thinks he's got to be better than me anyway. I guess I know nothing. Well I just keep my thoughts to myself now. The next day I was still really down and I got to call my friend again and she helped me see what I needed to see thru to help me. I also told her of the vision Steve told me. We both decided then and there it wasn't a message from the Lord.
I actually got something on that the next day. So I dissected it. Steve had said "if she won't wait on me" I don't really think that God is who I need to wait on in terms of my calling it's Steve I am waiting on. The only reason I think he would want to release me would be so I would just shut up. Besides he cannot release me of his spiritual responsibility anyway. I would have to be dead for that to take place. As far as the ministry to ruin and alienation, that seems to be going on right now. Steve needs to get where God has sent us and I guess that is where I have to wait on God to fix it. Our ministry for God as far as what God has called us to do has come to a screeching halt and I don't get to see my friends from the church much at all anymore. I do feel "left out and alienated". I don't know if it's this drive to get back to God's calling for my life that is causing me to be just outspoken or what.
Well to wrap this all up, my friend gave me more council and I asked God to forgive me for being so stupid and I had to ask Steve to forgive me for being rebellious and I just put all this in God's hands and let him deal with it. That's where the faith comes in. That's what I should have done from the beginning but my faith is weak in this kind of thing and I have a hard time doing this. But I will learn alot from this battle. My friend said "give it to God and if it's your calling that God wants you where he has sent you then he will move Steve out of the way so you can go there." God will move Steve and I have faith that he will do that. What I lack on this is patience. I feel I really need to be busy about God's work. I know what he has called me to do and I want to do it but I can't right now because of Steve. I am on a path of learning again and I will just have to take a break and learn more. I do have something new to do. My friend Jill is going to tutor me on how to put together a bible study on a subject. Now granted I know how to do this already and God gives me the material but I think she will give me a little more insight and maybe I can practice more with the presentation because even in front of her I am nervous!